there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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