I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
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Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
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drunk brunch me or lose me forever
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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