No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You are the jesus of drinking
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
