Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
