I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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