my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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