Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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