I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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