barbara walters just said penis...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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