At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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