i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
