I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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