I hate your face
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
