who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
How external is "for external use only"?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Randomize
