So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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