Someone shit on the floor
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
