At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
