i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
you inspire me to be a worse person
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
