you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
