i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
