I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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