The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
