I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
