Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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