I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
