Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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