I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
