Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize