i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
