dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
