I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
