Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
