Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
