every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
