Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
