she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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