**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
