I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
