Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
This beer is not sobering me up at all
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
