it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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