She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
