Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
