I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
