I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch