They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Boobs speak an international language.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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