At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
