I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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