he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
