im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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