So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
