my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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