I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
