You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
not ubering you a puppy
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
