How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
