So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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